Welcome Back

Wow! So it has truly been a minute since i've been on the blog scene. I used to enjoy blogging and reading blogs on the regular. Then life happened. Oh well. I'm gonna try and get back on the grind. I've got some serious overflow of thoughts and my brain in beyond crowded so hopefully this will be just what the doctor orderd by getting it all out. I know I don't have many followers but to whoever may be reading this out there in the world. Heyyy! How you doing? Hope all is well wherever you are...

Note To Self

Stop hiding from issues or covering them up when it's not necessary. If you have something that you need to deal with then you need to allow yourself to deal with it. If you keep running it will keep chasing you and you know its gonna catch up with you because you will eventually tire and fall out in exhaustion. You don't necessarily have to over react to certain things but at least allow yourself to feel, heal, and forgive and in the long run you will feel much better.

Ayee, now talk it out!

lol I know that was lame but oh well. But whatever happened to talking things out? It's definitely something that we need more of. It can avoid so much drama if you just talk to the person instead of automatically wanting to hate them and fight or whatever.

I just had a pretty decent with my ex's girl (well I think she just may be his ex now too) and it cleared up so many things.

He and I have been talking as just friends for a few weeks. I actually didn't know he was with her otherwise I wouldn't have even done that much. But anyway she called my phone all mad and upset whenever she saw that we had been text messaging back and forth.

I didn't pick up the first time cause I was busy so she left a lil salty message and then I called her back. Naturally we both had our guard up and we were both about to go into straight "b*tch mode" but as we started talking it was cool. I told her what she needed to know and she told me what I needed to know and together we got to the bottom line that homeboy is just trifling regardless of who he's with.

In the end I had more respect for her, and I just began to think about how if we were not both mature enough that could have been a completely different story. Alot of times the female will automatically get all hostile with the "other chick" but really the man is the one who needs to be confronted by both. Nothing destroys sisterhood quicker than a no good man. We just gotta learn to talk to each other before we initially get ready to call names and throw blows and not really know why or solve anything.

Tis' The Season

Of Flu, Colds, and Allergies. I'm so sick of being sick. I've being going strong for about two weeks with a cold. I'm convinced cold medicine just does not work. I just went to take some more until I realized I didn't have any left. I've been taking NyQuil and DayQuil combo pack of liquid gels and I go to get some and there wasn't a pill left in sight. I'm also down to just ONE Mucinex pill and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm so tried of coughing and snotting it's ridiculos.

Everyone around here seems to be passing it between students. Every other person in the dorm is sick. All you see in the snack room trash can is a bunch of soup and chili cans. The bookstore is selling out of the little medicine packets, and no one is in class because we're all layed up in the room on bed rest.

Hopefully, I can kick this thing soon because I have to get well so I can make preparations for whatever I'm gonna do for the summer time. Just one month left to go and I'm home free. Yes!

Family Matters

This is one of my favorite shows of all time. So I named this post accordingly. It seemed fitting.

I've just had the most incredible weekend with my family. I'm still lightly amazed at how over the years everything changes yet it's still the same.

I just love the way we really weren't doing anything but it was still so much fun. Just being in the company of family members that I haven't seen in years and still having such a good time when we get together was great.

It was somewhat therapeutic for me. I had somewhat of a stressful week last week and I wasn't really feeling like going anyway. The drive isn't that bad just 2 hours but I hate that town even though it is where I was born and raised there. Of course now I'm glad I went.

My cousins are hilarious. It's crazy to see the kids who I babysat when I was younger. I felt old when I was telling them"girl I remember when I used to change your diapers" and "I remember the day you were born".

Even my cousins who are my age had me in awe. One of them just had a baby and I just sat there looking at him holding his baby. It was weird just looking at that. I was just staring and remembering how we used to play games all day, go to the same schools, fight each other, and do so many other things when we were younger but now we all are grown and taking different paths in life.

The thing that made that so funny to me was that, the same thing I was doing to the other cousins the older ones were doing to me and the ones my age. One in particular was just staring at me smiling at one point, she said she just couldn't believe how professional and mature I was now. Then she started talking about all the stories of how I was so shy and I would hide behind my mom when people came around.

Family is fun and love mine even when they get a little out of wack. I really wish we weren't spread all over the country like this so that we can get together and have more times to enjoy each others company again.

-and the food was definitely on point, we didn't go out to eat not once, they cooked up a storm like it was the holidays and I was in love lol.

A Lady in the Streets...but a Freak in My Head?

You know how people say your mind is in the gutter when you take simple un-related things and make a sexual reference? Well lately that person is me lol. I can't help it though...my mind is tormenting me for going celibate.

One of my New Year's resolutions (I made up my mind before then but it's all the same) was to never have sex again until I'm married.
I have quite a few reasons for this and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to follow through with it. But boy is it hard.
I feel like the minute I said no to sex...everything became sexual. I hate that. I never thought that way before but now I'm thinking about it every other minute.

For example I was making a fruit salad and cutting some strawberries this weekend. So I stop like out of nowhere and I say to myself "You know? This thing kinda reminds me of a vagina" which automatically makes me think about sex and how much I would love to partake lol.

Then as I'm trying to clear my mind today and keep myself occupied I start doing my health homework. Boy was that a big mistake. It was my first time reading the chapter so I had no clue what it was about. So I open it up to see Chapter 4: Sexuality. I was like are you serious? So I continue to read and do my definitions. Why in the world were some of my definitions : erotic fantasy, stages of orgasm, and auto-eroticism? Needless to say, doing my homework didn't help me at all. Obviously it made things worse.

The temptation is crazy too. Like I can be talking to a guy friend or some random attractive dude and I'm not hearing half of what he says because my mind is thinking about all the things I'd like to do with him lol. Then it's worse that I'm single and all of a sudden I feel like there are more guys than usual trying to talk to me which makes it all the more complicated. A few guys in particular were like everything that I usually look for in a guy and I still had to keep it moving and that took some serious self control. I know that if I enter into a relationship right now I'll end up compromising my goals.

I feel so weird because this isn't me at all. I've never even been an overtly sexual person. I mean sex didn't phase me at all. I was a virgin until I was 19 and he was my first and last. My desire has just sky-rocketed since then. Sexual frustration is crazy and this is just the beginning of my vow...I can only imagine how I'll feel when I'm years into it. I sure hope it gets easier.

Note to Mr. Ex: What did you do to me?...you've created a monster and now I gotta tame it lol.

Note to my future husband: Honey, I really hope you have some serious stamina and energy because everything that's building up now will all be released with you and just pray you can handle it.

Oh How I Wish I Was A Kid Again

Growing up is scary for real. Today is my 20th Birthday and I feel weird lol. It's just that I'm realizing more and more that my success and/or failures in life are solely my responsibility now.

Not to mention the whole heap of responsibilities that I'm only getting the beginning of now. I know it only gets worse later on and I'm not looking forward to it.

It's like the transition from childhood to adulthood isn't a fair trade. I'm being shortchanged somewhere in the process.

I just want to be 10 again. My only responsibilities were going to school, cleaning my room, and being a kid.

I could go out and play all day, get dirty, ride my bike, use my imagination to create my own little world without any judgement because that's what kids do. I can't do that as an adult because I have to face certain realities.

Ok let me stop, there are good things about growing up but I still miss being a kid. The video says it all for me.