You know how people say your mind is in the gutter when you take simple un-related things and make a sexual reference? Well lately that person is me lol. I can't help it though...my mind is tormenting me for going celibate.
One of my New Year's resolutions (I made up my mind before then but it's all the same) was to never have sex again until I'm married.
I have quite a few reasons for this and I'm pretty sure I'll be able to follow through with it. But boy is it hard.
I feel like the minute I said no to sex...everything became sexual. I hate that. I never thought that way before but now I'm thinking about it every other minute.
For example I was making a fruit salad and cutting some strawberries this weekend. So I stop like out of nowhere and I say to myself "You know? This thing kinda reminds me of a vagina" which automatically makes me think about sex and how much I would love to partake lol.
Then as I'm trying to clear my mind today and keep myself occupied I start doing my health homework. Boy was that a big mistake. It was my first time reading the chapter so I had no clue what it was about. So I open it up to see Chapter 4: Sexuality. I was like are you serious? So I continue to read and do my definitions. Why in the world were some of my definitions : erotic fantasy, stages of orgasm, and auto-eroticism? Needless to say, doing my homework didn't help me at all. Obviously it made things worse.
The temptation is crazy too. Like I can be talking to a guy friend or some random attractive dude and I'm not hearing half of what he says because my mind is thinking about all the things I'd like to do with him lol. Then it's worse that I'm single and all of a sudden I feel like there are more guys than usual trying to talk to me which makes it all the more complicated. A few guys in particular were like everything that I usually look for in a guy and I still had to keep it moving and that took some serious self control. I know that if I enter into a relationship right now I'll end up compromising my goals.
I feel so weird because this isn't me at all. I've never even been an overtly sexual person. I mean sex didn't phase me at all. I was a virgin until I was 19 and he was my first and last. My desire has just sky-rocketed since then. Sexual frustration is crazy and this is just the beginning of my vow...I can only imagine how I'll feel when I'm years into it. I sure hope it gets easier.
Note to Mr. Ex: What did you do to me?...you've created a monster and now I gotta tame it lol.
Note to my future husband: Honey, I really hope you have some serious stamina and energy because everything that's building up now will all be released with you and just pray you can handle it.
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3 comments:
Thats how it always happens. Once that innocence is gone u become a hoe in your head. lol. I feel u!
i'd have to 2nd what d. said.when you don't know what the experience is like its easy 2 bypass any sexual ideas that manifest in your head bcuz theres no feeling associated with them.But now that you have tasted the forbidden fruit you know what it is exactly that u are missing out on.Just pray for patience girl,it doesnt get easier,you just gain more willpower.
I remember my homegirl is/was on a celibacy tip and she said "your coochie is like a piece of clean glass and everytime you have sex its like dude is touching your glass and leaving fingerprints on your glass" I feel like that is bull kinda, but I feel like why would you set yourself such a lofty goal, I mean you've only done it once so its not like you're a freak or anything but I mean sex is something that uyou can live without
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